Acceptance - It Ain't Easy

Relationships are hard. Damn hard, if you ask me! Despite having all of the makings of a dream couple (written with a wink and a smirk), i.e. chemistry, friendship, understanding, and acceptance, it is still challenging to navigate the ever changing circumstances that come up throughout the course of life. It’s hard enough for me to understand myself, let alone learn to deal with someone else’s quirks and habits. I’m still learning, to be sure. If you would have asked the 18-year-old me, I would have said, “Hell yes! By 46, I will definitely have this life and MYSELF figured out.” Wow, that me couldn’t have been more wrong.

I know every relationship faces challenges, and honestly, we’re no different. We both have baggage…you know, 4 divorces and 4 kids between us. That’s enough baggage to fill the cargo hold of a Carnival cruise ship. It’s definitely a lot to sift through. For myself, I have experienced abuse in the past. And, while I didn’t have the external markings of physical abuse, the scars are thick and deep. No matter how much makeup I put on, I can’t mask the fact that those years have shaped me and my responses to things that happen in my relationship today. My partner is shaped by his childhood experiences of having a quadriplegic father and losing his brother too soon.

When you couple your own traumatic past with the traumatic past of another human being, you end up with what seems like many lifetimes of hurt to wade through. That shit runs deep, and inevitably, it is made deeper by our own, new misunderstandings and disagreements that lead to new levels of hurt. But not all hope is lost. I’m finding that with the ups there will be downs, and that our greatest tool for reuniting after hitting a bump on the tracks is communication. And, that communication hopefully leads to acceptance.

We have always had a strong friendship. In fact, we started out as friends. And, through that experience, we “see” each other in a way that we’ve never seen, or been seen by, another human being. We understand each other, which perhaps stems from our experiences and candid self-reflection of who we are and what we’ve been through. Let’s be honest, we’ve both been through enough counseling to have a small arsenal of communication tools. We can cut through the crap more easily than I’ve ever been able to before. And, cutting through the crap, to me, means that we can call each other on the bullshit. Whether that bullshit is a protective front guarding our inner child, or reactions that stem from a past trauma that isn’t really a part of this relationship, we feel a freedom to express what we see and what we’re feeling in the moment.

We can both openly express our wants, needs, and expectations. The challenge with this is that sometimes those don’t always align with the needs and expectations of my partner, and vice versa. In order to overcome these differences, we find ourselves being vulnerable, sharing what is motivating us in those instances. We discuss our past experiences and reveal some of our deepest and darkest secrets. In this vulnerable space, we grow. We learn. We understand. We try to accept.

I know it would be great if I could wrap up that last paragraph with, “we accept.” But, the truth is, sometimes acceptance is the most challenging part of a relationship. We can love each other madly. We can learn from our mistakes and the mistakes of our partner. But, acceptance is a different animal. It takes a different set of skills. It takes the ability to look honestly at your partner and say, “I disagree, but I am willing to see you as you are and don’t expect you to change.” I mean, let’s be honest. Who doesn’t want the perfect partner? Who doesn’t want the fairy tale romance where life and love seem to be a gentle breeze?

Damn Disney and sappy romance movies for teaching young girls that the fairy tale is the ideal. It’s an unattainable ideal. So, as I evolve, I’m learning that the ideal looks different. The ideal isn’t about the perfect love being served on a silver platter delivered in a gilded pumpkin carriage. Genuine love is one that takes time to cultivate. It takes time to explore each other and to accept the differences. Of course, I want to say that I’m always right and that my way of doing things is the only way. But, the truth is, I can’t. I can’t because that’s not realistic.

There are 7.8 billion people on this earth at this moment. That means there are 7.8 billion different ways of seeing and doing things. So, I have to humble myself and learn that perfect isn’t the ideal. The ideal is growing as individuals while also growing together. I’m learning that it’s worth the investment to truly know someone and allow them to know me. As challenging and emotionally draining as it may be, it’s worth the effort to be vulnerable. In vulnerability, we build mutual trust. So, if you find yourself in a difficult place in your relationship, don’t give up. Don’t give up on yourself. Don’t give up on your partner. Keep digging. Keep trying to understand yourself and your partner. Keep trying to reach acceptance. And, believe me, it ain’t easy! But, you’re not alone!